Manegarm Vargstenen:

This album takes the crappiest aspects of power metal, death metal, and black metal, and mixes them together, for the expressed purpose of torturing your ears and psyche. Lyrically the album focuses on wolves, stones, and wolf stones. The vocals are either Gollum-esque croaks, or a ridiculous operatic yell. Musically its your standard goofy power metal chord progressions, but more heavily distorted. The sad thing is dozens of albums like this are released every year. Even more disheartening is the fact that  even when most of the worlds economies are in the toilet, a large enough fan-base exists to keep many shit bands like this successful enough to keep touring and producing albums.

Rating: 2/15 please fucking stop points

Orcustus – Orcustus

Orcustus Orcustus:

Why? Why keep making lame black metal like this? This had done nothing new or good. It just sounds like a mosquito buzzing incessantly while some spastic jerk hits boxes. Please stop.

Rating: 2/15 corpse paint was never, ever cool.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs – It’s Blitz!

Yeah Yeah Yeahs It’s Blitz!:

Awesome! Vapid dance rock with atrocious lyrics. Finally something for me to bone lame pseudo-hipster chicks to!

Rating: 2/15 ridiculous costumes.

Fourteen Year Old Girls – Strategy Guides

Fourteen Year Old Girls Strategy Guides:

Fuck you, this is not funny.

Rating: 2/15 for dorks who think is funny stuff

Miniature Tigers-Tell it to The Volcano

Miniature Tigers Tell it to The Volcano:

Intentionally boring indie pop with vague world music aspirations.

Rating: -2/15 Anti its cool to be boring points

Dreams of Dying Stars – Funeral in The Void

Dreams of Dying Stars Funeral in The Void:

Dude taping down a key on his Moog synthesizer and walking away for half an hour, then calling it a song.

Rating: 2/15 Endless planes of nothing

Metallica – Death Magnetic

Metallica Death Magnetic:

Basically the creepy old guy at the bus stop has gone from having his pants around his ankles and spewing gibberish to having pulled up his pants, but still gibbering and playing trash can drums.

Rating: 2/15 Wah pedal solos


Arckanum Antikosmos:

Gollum singing about wolves and shit over a thirteen year old learning his first Slayer riff. This album is the result of many swirlies.

Rating: 2/15 Guys trying to be taken seriously while wearing corpse paint.

Chairlift – Does You Inspire You

Chairlift Does You Inspire You:

A cheesier version of Blondie with a singer that can’t carry a tune. Somehow this album is even less interesting than my description.

Rating: 2/15 Neon leggings

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