Hollywood Undead-Swan Songs

Hollywood Undead Swan Songs:

Do you remember Limp Bizkit? What about Slipknot? And Eminem? I do to, and I sympathize. Popular music in the late nineties sucked. It empirically sucked. This isn’t an issue of the subjectivity of musical taste, this music objectively fucking sucks. However, none of this music compares to the new high bastion of suck Hollywood Undead.

Imagine multiple Fred Dursts dressed up in masks saying the word fuck a lot and calling out emo kids over a carbon copy of the riff from Crazy Train. Yes, its that bad. Oh and lets not forget the shameful mix of crunk production, distorted guitars, and club vocals that make up No.5, one of their most well known songs. These violent sexist assholes got popular via their Myspace account, and were the first band signed to Myspace’s record label. Their music can currently be found in popular video games and big-budget movies.  Not too mention their 2008 single undead reached 10 on the on Billboards Hot Mainstream Rock Charts.

Didn’t our overexposure to Nu-Metal teach us anything? Don’t you remember the sigh of relief America as whole sounded, when that trend ended? Isn’t there a warning explicitly about this band in the Book of Revelation? Isn’t there enough good angry music out there, to stop shit like this from getting passed the 5th play on Myspace? I guess not, but we can fight back. If your child or friend enjoys this band, please do everything you can to save them. Tie them to a chair, and go Clockwork Orange on their ass. Super glue an I-pod to their person, containing TV on The Radio’s complete discography.  Anything! Do anything you possibly can to prevent this garbage from getting any popular than it already has. Its your duty as upholders of culture and taste. Go forth and fight the good fight

Poppy Seed Grinder – Humanophobia

Poppy Seed Grinder Humanophobia:

There is a song named “Fetus of Hatred” and it’s not a joke song. Awesome. The vocals are a series of stereotypical gurgles and grunts that mask what I’ll assume are just awful lyrics. The rest of the band goes through the brutal death metal motions. You’ll listen to this album, cringe at just how generic it is, and then forget you ever heard it.

The Number Twelve Looks Like You – Worse Than Alone

The Number Twelve Looks Like You Worse Than Alone:

After listening to this, I’m disappointed. The first half of this album just falls flat. Bad vocals, lame music. Then it picks up and gets to show off why people like this band. So really an uneven affair that should have been cut short and called an EP.

Orcustus – Orcustus

Orcustus Orcustus:

Why? Why keep making lame black metal like this? This had done nothing new or good. It just sounds like a mosquito buzzing incessantly while some spastic jerk hits boxes. Please stop.

Rating: 2/15 corpse paint was never, ever cool.

Ribspreader – Opus Ribcage

Ribspreader Opus Ribcage:

Goofy death metal that sounds like outtakes from an early Cannibal Corpse recording session. Also a pointless cover of the Ramones’ “Blitzkrieg Pop” which is neither funny or good.

Rating: 3/15 even Chris Barnes was bored by this

Mike Posner & The Brain Trust – A Matter of Time

Mike Posner & The Brain Trust A Matter of Time:

This really should be worse than it is. Most of these songs are like reading some lame dude’s blog about love. But there is great production and also the songs are catchy. So it’s not super bad, but you may feel embarrassed if you friends catch you listening to this even if you are a girl.

Rating: 9/15 Justin Timberlake clones

Aesop Rock-None Shall Pass

Aesop Rock None Shall Pass:

Lame beats and  lame lyrics seem to be Aesop’s new forte. I prefer his old forte, which was making classic albums, and breaking new ground in hip hop lyricism.

Rating: 3/15 Labor Days

De Rosa-Prevention

De Rosa Prevention:

Musically this album is pretty interesting, I would place it halfway between Radiohead and Arcade Fire. The lyrics tend toward the whiney and pessimistic. The singers impression of Thom Yorke is also pretty lame. It might be a solid disk if not for the singer, but as is its a bit of a stinker.

Rating:7/15 terrible impressions of Thom Yorke

The Mighty Orq-To the Bone

The Mighty Orq To the Bone:

To my great disappointment  this album isn’t power metal, instead its watered down versions of every style of rock popular in the early nineties. The riffs never have more than two and a half chords, and the singer perfectly fits the role of the deep voiced sleazy singer. Not good enough to compete with Theory of a Dead Man for radio play.

Rating: 4/15 Tears of Eddie Vedder

The Alternate Routes-A Sucker’s Dream

The Alternate Routes A Sucker’s Dream:

Like Maroon 5 with a country twang. The exact kind of goofy crap that might actually get on the radio. Avoid at all costs

Rating:4/15 silly hats